Currently I’m studying Heart Treasure of the Enlightened Ones with a Dharma friend, the Venerable Tashi Nyima.

This is my contemplation on the third line of verse 18 of the root text of Heart Treasure of the Enlightened Ones.

“Disgust, because there’s no one to be trusted,

Sadness, because there’s no meaning in anything,

Determination, because there’ll never be time to get everything you want;

If you always keep these three things in mind, some good will come of it.”

 

 

Explain to someone else (making it my own)

One day, I’ll die. I’ll be alone at the moment of my crossing into death. All that I know will be left behind. All that I have done will be left behind. All that I have wished for, even those secretly cherished dreams that I don’t dare speak aloud—of true love, of unending happiness, of an end to heartbreak—will be left behind. Knowing this, how am I to live my life?

I tell myself I’m not afraid to die but…a couple of days ago I went to the doctor. When she walked in and looked at my EKG print out, her normally smiling, welcoming face was deadly serious. In those moments of stone silence, death’s cold draft blew through my life. I had regrets, anxieties, and so much fear. It was a routine test. But I was suddenly, unexpectedly face to face with my mortality. A brief thought ran through my mind…My god. I’ve been f**king around. Is it too late?

I finally managed to say to her, “What? What’s wrong?” As it turned out, nothing was wrong. “Just concentrating,” she said. She was having a busy day.

Ever since that moment, I’ve really thought of what this line says. There’ll never be time to do it all. And even if there was, how much of it is worth doing? It’s funny how that moment of utter terror left in its wake a gift of total clarity. For long moments on that day, I was able to realize that we are all like travelers on a short trip. It’s really a very short journey from birth to death.

In a couple of weeks, I will have journeyed around this world’s star fifty times. There’ll come a time when I don’t make the journey all the way around. When that time comes, I don’t want to leave this realm full of anxiety and regret. That’s where a life full of wishes for samsaric happiness leads: dying full of regret for what you could have done. Instead, we can choose to live so that our every step brings us closer to a death that will lead us to enlightenment and freedom from the suffering of the cycle of birth and death.

***

Apply to a past situation (how would it have been different?)

There was a time in my life, almost a decade ago now, when I wanted True Love. Yes. With the capital letters. Think Cinderella. Think Sleeping Beauty. Think Prince Charming. On steroids.

When Prince Charming came into my life, I was so swept off my feet, I breathed fairy dust. There was nothing in my life but roses and romance. And I thought, this is it. I found him. All that time looking, and here he is at last. Cinderella fitting into her glass slipper had nothing on me.

When Prince Charming’s glamour began to wear off, I refused to see it. I literally closed my eyes to anything that didn’t fit with my idea of True Love. Even though after a year I was living with all the classic signs of abuse—isolation, low self-esteem, fear for my safety—I still thought I could make things right. As nine years of my life crept by, I would think…I’m over forty. I won’t have time to find True Love again so I better stick with what I have.

Looking back on that situation in my life, I can notice how my own fear of my time running out to get what I wanted imprisoned me in misery. I can notice how I was willing to delude myself into believing I had what I’d wished for. All I had to do was make it right.

I could have taken a step back, breathed and noticed that the situation I found myself in was based on two afflicted emotions: hope and fear. Having noticed this, I might have asked myself…I got what I wanted, it wasn’t what I thought, did I want to spend the rest of my life chasing an illusion?

***

Apply to an (ongoing) present situation (how does it matter today?)

I want a Kitchen Aid stand mixer. I’ve looked at so many of them on E-bay, I get Kitchen Aid ads in my Gmail sidebar. I mean, really. I want one. Not the giant 7.5 quart Professional series. That’s around $700.00. No. I just want the classic. Well, the Artisan model, with the planetary motion (so I don’t have to scrape the bowl) would be nice. But it’s around a hundred bucks more than the classic. Or I could get a classic and upgrade to an Artisan later. I may even go to the Salvation Army and check out their appliances.

These thoughts go around in my head quite a bit lately. When I first started baking outside my bread machine, I had to have a cast iron Dutch Oven so that my breads would have a good crust. But…the bottom crust would burn; too much radiant heat on such a dark color. So, I wanted a ceramic Emile Henry pot. I got that. Works like a dream…except…the baking was still a little uneven because I have a cheap oven. What I really needed was a ceramic baking stone. It came in the mail yesterday. Wow. It’s sweet! I bake like a pro now; crispy top crusts, tender bottom crusts.

So now, all I need is…those artisan flours from the King Arthur Flour website. Just a few. And of course there’s the oblong clay baker, so I can make a real Italian loaf of bread and…there is no end to it.

Working with my baking practice as I work with this line has really helped me to see how absolutely pointless it is to try and get everything we want. Our mind will never run out of things to want.

Having noticed this, I can take a step back and notice how every loaf of bread I make brings me a sort of ephemeral peace. It’s not the bread itself. It’s baking. Each loaf is a chance to perfect something, but then, you have to let it go. It won’t last. It’s not meant to. There’s something very satisfying in that arising of perfection, and the letting go of it.

I can notice that no thing in the phenomenal world can last because entropy rules the day in samsara. Having noticed this, I can turn my attention to ‘that which holds’—the Dharma. I can swiftly develop the mind of renunciation, and realize that any happiness that arises in samsara is fleeting, deceptive, illusory. There will never be time to get all I want, and even if I did, it wouldn’t be worth having.

***

Apply to a potential situation (bringing it home to play)

Today after sangha, I’ll be trying out a test bread. It was pretty bad the last time I made it, but I’ve got a pretty good idea of what went wrong. Typically when I bake, all sorts of thoughts go through my head: if I had that metal set of measuring cups and spoons from the King Arthur Flour website, I could just toss them in the dishwasher. I should get another banneton. A back up would be great. Wonder what this recipe would be like with an ancient grain flour. I really need a stone crock so I can try out sourdough….and on and on.

Today when I’m baking, I’m going to notice how those thoughts habitually get in the way of doing something I really enjoy. I’m going to notice how they lead to a dead end. I’m going to notice how I could fill an entire industrial-size kitchen with every baking implement I can think of or dream up, and still, it wouldn’t be enough.

I can notice how these thoughts aren’t about baking. They’re about dying. When we want something, we are fantasizing a future. And if there’s going to be a future, there’s going to be a ‘me’ to live it. Our thoughts of wanting things and chasing after them allow us to exit the discomfort of coming face to face with our own inevitable mortality.

Having noticed this, when those thoughts come up, I’ll breathe, do a quick mantra, and remind myself that there is only one way out of the suffering of samsara. It’s not the next Kitchen Aid, or the next clay baker, or the next bag of artisan flour. These are pleasant distractions. The only way out of the suffering of samsara is to study the Dharma and let it permeate and eventually dissolve our delusions and wrong views.

Having reminded myself of this, I can bake, finish that test bread and know that I have used the practice of baking to increase my peace and clarity by bringing baking to the path. Then I can dedicate the merit. The path is wherever you find your feet to be. My footsteps happen to be made in flour.